Make Perfect Conversation

Many people including myself found it hard to break the ice and start a conversation. It is more difficult when you are not too familiar with the person, but such a situation often happens at work. And you never know who is the next one you will come across in the street, at the lift lobby, on the way to office, or at a business lunch. A "Hi" is followed by dead air for quite a few second. You might pretend to be busy checking your mobile phone, or stare dumbly into space. But the atmosphere wouldn't be quite comfortable. Worse, the person might be led to suspect if there is any bad feeling between you and that person.

i am no expert of communications or social skills. But somehow, i have worked out a step-by-step approach to develop a conversation, which could hopefully last for half an hour, however mundane it is. Here, i would like to share it with you. Of course, the approach is not made out of thin air. Instead, it is based on repeated observations on other people and tireless testing by myself.

British people like starting with weather, and have mastered the practice. Weather influences farmers' earnings. How British greet says a lot about the agriculture history. Whatever the opener is, the key is how to follow up with simple questions and answers and elaborate them into a pleasant conversation. Hong Kong people do not care weather as much as they care about food.

No matter what time it is, just take the first move to ask: "Have you eaten yet?" This greeting is more common for the older generations. Although it might sound dull, old-fashioned or even phony nowadays, this particular greeting works well for a start because it is handy to carry the conversation forward.

The dialogue would naturally continue: "What did you have?" It would go on into how the restaurant's service and environment, my favorite dishes and the pricing. One of us might go into a detailed discussion about their most recent wonderful dining experience. The topic could come to a fruitful end if one of us could recommend a nice place with the right pricing.

This should take care of the elevator encounter. But there are often cases, such as riding the mass transit, when i got to stay a little longer with that nice person. i would probably hesitate to go into propaganda of celebrities. The rich knowledge of that would not be too respectful and it would make me look too nosy. i don't want to touch politics because the fact that i know too little about it was just as embarrassing. Movies and TV shows are good talking point in colleges, but no longer so when we get to know people with more diversified backgrounds. In practice, how many people in a group of 12 have seen Brokeback Mountain? i guess three at most.

Fine, "How's the market doing?" It sounds familiar, right? It is a Hong Kong-version of the British-styled "weather" talks. i have asked this question not only to market professionals but also to all other people. And it takes me by surprise that many people are curious about this topic, regardless their ages, wealth and jobs. The topic has recently become a phenomenon in the street, as the market is so bullish. People dare not miss out the latest state-owned IPO. The truth is even in the low seasons people like talking about the market, which provide them with an emotional outlet to mourn.

All in all, in any given day, anyone has his or her own theories about making money in the market, proven or not. The chartists confront the fundamentalists. Two faithful contrarians meet and disagree, "contrast", with each other, regarding each other's position as the mainstream.

If this conversation piece ended up with a couple of "numbers", stock recommendations, it should not appear to be too boring. The market talks should do away with most part of the commute.

When the food opinions and market talks run their courses, you will find yourself suddenly stuck in the middle of a lunch with someone you barely know. What about that? You pick up the cup and sip some tea. To be sincere, i decide to open something more personal, but not too intimate for its own sake. "How do you spend your weekend?" That is like throwing a dice, or drawing a random card. i would be lucky if the answer is watching soccer games. Then, we can share our opinions on the last watches, different clubs and players. As time past, i got more answers that the weekend is spent on kids. i am getting better and better on this topic.

The difficult answers would be diving, skiing or golfing. The most difficult ones are the least expected. Who knows. "Oh, you are building a collection of butterfly specimens. You are an expert of butterflies. Ha, that's interesting." While i cannot remember the last time i saw a butterfly, i involuntarily reach for the cup and have another sip of tea.

So, say something that makes sense. "You look fitter than before." That spontaneously lit up a lot of talking points, hopes and frustrations. Discussions about Atkins diets, Physical Fitness, OSIM machines, Fancl syrups, etc, pop up. They resemble the earlier market briefing in the sense that anyone has his or her own theories on keeping fit.

In case there is still time, the easiest way is to go back to square one and start the flow all over again.

In the end, it seems i throw out as many bad topics as good ones. Good or bad, they could be all classified as bullshit. In his highly rated book, On Bullshit, which was ranked one of the ten favorite books in 2005 by Amazon customers, Princeton philosopher Harry Frankfurt makes points about why people bullshit. He said we bullshit because we are often trapped into circumstances requiring us to keep talking. We often encounter such topics as weather, dining, the market, hobbies, fitness, etc, which we are to some degree ignorant. Without knowing what the truth is, we are forced to bullshit our way through.

However, making conversation, or even empty talks or bullshitting whatever you name it, is the second worst thing to do, after to keep quiet.

May 9, 2006
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